In order to have you...

Dear Kenzie,

In order for you to come into the world, I...

• started throwing up within a month of your conception.
• didn't stop throwing up until the doctor took pity and gave me meds.
• stopped throwing up most of the time after taking meds, but still felt like I was going to any minute for the rest of my ENTIRE pregnancy.
• gained HUGE amounts of weight, 75 pounds to be exact!
  
• got stretch marks on every part of my body from said weight gain, and not the little kind that fade and gradually get less-noticeable.
• existed solely upon a diet of cold cereal until you were born, sometimes I could handle a sub from subway, too.
• was put onto bed rest after contractions started and wouldn't stop at 6 months along.
• dipped into the depths of depression like I had never before experienced from the beginning until the end of the pregnancy.
• made your poor Grandparents question the sanity of their daughter and son-in-law for thinking I could be AT ALL ready to take on this kind of responsibility with the amount of struggles I had with depression.
  
• had to endure the most terrible rash at 7 1/2 months that covered my entire body, even my fingers and toes. There was nothing they could do to stop it, just wait until you were born.
  
• had to give birth with an epidural that hadn't had time to take effect yet. You came so fast, I was feeling the need to push when the needle was still in my back.
• had to endure above mentioned birth in the most excruciating pain EVER.

Since your birth 7 years ago today, I:

• have found joy in you every day that you've been in my life.
• got to hear my Dad give a retraction to the above-mentioned sanity of his daughter - he gave the most beautiful talk as a Stake President in our Stake about witnessing the miracle of my depression being lifted enough so that I could handle the responsibility of being your mother as had been promised in countless blessings in my life.
• have watched you grow into the mini-version of myself. This doesn't always bode well for our relationship at times, but teaches me every single day how to be a better me.
• have seen your eyes light up in joy at the simplest of life's pleasures.
• have watched you struggle and persevere through the trial of having anxiety and Sensory Processing Disorder.
• have seen you tenderly care for your younger sister and love her like no other.
• have watched you learn new things and become so smart.
• have seen your relationship with your Daddy and see how much you adore him.
• have watched you pray to your Heavenly Father and sincerely believe that He loves you.
• have struggled with your fierce independence and incredibly strong stubbornness, but look forward to the day when these personality traits will help you fight for yourself and the life that you most desire.
• have seen the sweet tenderness and sensitivity of your little spirit and ached for you when this sensitivity has made life so hard you can hardly bear it.
  
• have watched you grow into the most beautiful little 7 year old I've ever seen.

I know that life isn't always so easy for us, Kenzie. We have really struggled this year with getting to a place where we understand each other. You are fierce and strong and independent and stubborn and so, so, so terribly sensitive that life often butts heads with you, far too much I think, for someone only 7 years old. I have cried many nights with your Daddy over how to best parent you, for we love you soo much and want life to be happy and fun and full of joy for you. I know that you were given to us, and me especially as your mother, because I have the capacity to understand and love you like no one else can, but I'm a work in progress. I hope you can see it in my eyes every day how much I love you and that even when we all struggle to understand each other, you'll never, ever doubt that at all.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Kenzie!