Letting Go

I've had to do some letting go recently, so it's been on my mind. Some people are better at seeing when something isn't good for them anymore and letting go, walking away, moving on. Me? Not so much. I'm a holder, a keeper, a sit-around-and-worry-worry-worrier. I'm a fixer, a loyal, stay-by-your-side-and-be-your-best-friend-to-the-end, type of person. I'm that person who sees a guy push over an old lady, then rob a bank, then drive away and can turn around and say, "gee, he must have been abused when he was young and then he had a really, really bad day". Yeah, I'm that person. The one who tries to see the good in everyone. You think this is a good kind of person to be, and it is. It's just you have to have some good instincts thrown in there for good measure, too. If you walk around subscribing to the method that all is good everywhere, you're bound and determined to become the very next victim a whole lotta times. Yeah, that's me too. It's ridiculous really. There should be a big black line out there for those of us too dense to know the difference.

Lucky for me, I met Nate. When he came into my life, I had an overabundance of "friends" that just plain broke my heart on a daily basis. When I would complain to Nate how awful they made me feel, he'd just look at me dumbfounded. "Why on earth," he would say, "do you allow people like this in your life? These people aren't your friends. Friends don't treat you like this. Friends don't talk about you behind your back." It seems like the simplest statement and yet, I'd never really heard it before he said it. I know my parents thought it. Man, the boyfriends I brought home. Why, oh why?! It's all I can say about them. It was like one destructive relationship after the other. But who listens to their parents when they're 17? Not me. I listened to Nate, though. I walked away and started letting go of these "friends". It hurt. It wasn't easy, but I did it. Unfortunately, I'm a slow learner. Nate has had to "remind" me of this little lesson in life over and over again. I guess that's why Heavenly Father gives us these exceptional spouses who compliment our good sides and bad.

So, what do you do when you're ready to let go of something and it just isn't time yet? We've been looking for work for over a year now. I've let go of staying here in the Tri-cities on multiple occasions and yet, here we are. Still here. Don't get me wrong. I love this place in so many ways. We're just ready to go. Ready to move on. At least we think we are.

It's hard sitting back and letting things "be". You know what I mean. Letting the Lord have it. Letting our lives happen on His time table, on His scale. I'm so not a patient person. It seems so hard only seeing the smaller picture, not knowing where our lives will be in two months or two years. And there we are again. Back at that letting go stuff. There is only so much we can do on our own. The rest is up to Him. I firmly believe that and that is how I want it to stay. And yet, I think letting go of our own lives and allowing Him to be in charge is probably the hardest lesson of all for me to learn. I know that's the case, or else I wouldn't struggle as much as I do with my depression. I know that is probably the single most important lesson that He is trying to teach me. To let go.