When... Then...

Have you ever put something off for days, weeks, months or maybe even years with that infamous excuse...Well, when I (insert random reasoning here), then I'll finally (insert thing you've been putting off here)? Yeah, you know you've done it before. For instance, "when the baby stops getting up in the night, then I'll start getting up early to exercise." or "when we finish school and start making more money, then we'll get out of debt." or "when we get a bigger house, then I'll start working on our food storage." or "when I finish having babies, then I'll try to lose all the extra weight." or "when the kids are older and will sit still, then we'll start having more regular Family Home Evenings." I am notorious for making these all-or-nothing statements. I'm a planner, a "get-all-my-chickens-in-a-row" type of person. I like things to go smoothly and make sense. If there were a lesson plan for life, I would spend all my money on it, stay up all night studying it, spend huge amounts of effort and care and worry making sure it was just right and then I'd fall apart when the execution fell through. Because, let's face it people, life doesn't work that way. Especially life with a young family. Nothing goes the way you planned, moments where everything just flows smoothly and easily are usually far and few between and they usually aren't the ones you spent the most time planning them. But somehow I continue to buy into this approach on life. Call it fear of the unknown or even better, terrified of failure, I just keep doing it. I keep putting off life, waiting for the next perfect opportunity to finally start whatever it is I've been putting off.

I know this is a weakness of mine, and I really try to just jump into life and do those things I've been wanting or needing to do and trust that it'll be okay...no matter the outcome. One of my biggest "excuses" or "reasons" for waiting on something? My health. Or, let's be more candid and say, my emotional health. I can't tell you how many things in life I've put off, hoping I could deal with it better or be able to handle it once I felt better. And actually, this "excuse" of mine is a real one and one that I HAVE had to use in my life to let go of those preconceived notions of the person I thought I should or would have been. But not everything is going to wait for me to start feeling better. Like my kiddos. They're growing up whether I'm the mom on the couch too depressed to get up or the mom who jumps up each morning with a smile on her face, ready to tackle another day with absurd amounts of optimism and joy. And it's not like I'm sitting around not being a parent while I wait for the depression to pass. It's just I keep hoping that "when I feel better, then I'll be a better Mommy". Seriously, folks? Is that ever going to happen? Because I might be a better Mommy if I didn't feel like jumping off the nearest bridge every other week of the month, but waiting around for it to happen sure ain't going to get the job done. And my kids sure aren't waiting around to grow up, they just keep doing it...no matter how hard I protest.

So, the point of all this? I've been putting off so much the past couple months, including this blog. My emotional health seems to ride the roller coaster of my hormonal health and I usually get a pretty regular schedule of ups and downs, but lately it seems to be a whole lotta downs. So much so, that I keep waiting to just FEEL a little better, so I could get on here and not sound like the depressed-mom-of-the-month. And that just ain't happenin'. And guess what? When I started this blog all those years ago and no one was reading it but me, I started it with the intent of being totally real and totally candid about depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts and being a Mom with all of this happening to myself and somewhere I got scared and stopped writing. Somewhere about the time that people actually started reading it. People that would see me at church or the grocery store and despite my best intentions to convince them otherwise, just might form opinions and judgments of me that I wouldn't like. It makes a girl want to run around from person to person and say, "no really, I'm not crazy, I just have some hormonal issues...I really am okay...I really am normal...please like me!" And that's just exhausting, cause no matter what I do or say, there's always going to be people out there that just don't like me or decide to talk trash about me or form opinions of me that aren't based on anything but their own desire to think what they want.

So, these past few months have been amazing and crazy and heart-wrenching and hard and totally NOT on my blog. Hopefully I can fix some of that and actually update you all on the happenings of our lives, but I'm not promising anything. Cause, really?! If I make a plan of any kind, you can be sure it'll fail within the week. :-) Yeah, that's my infinate amounts of optimism talking. Can't you hear it? My mom had more than enough of it to go around and somehow I didn't get ANY! So not fair.

Oh, and excuse the lack of images on my site...we're in the midst of changing things around at our house and the computer that stores my images isn't on right now...